Thursday, July 26, 2012

When I get a phone, it'll be an iPhone. So there!

My older sister's Droid is out to kill me.
It sounds improbably, but it is completely (and horribly) true.
Here is my case against it:
Last year, I was staying with this sister (who we'll call 'Saturday', to protect her identity). We decided that we wanted to visit an amusement park, so she entered the request into her Droid, and we hopped into the car and took off.
It was a half-hour drive, and finally we arrived somewhere in the center of the downtown area. The Droid told us we had arrived, but when we looked around... No sign of an amusement park.
Well, we drove in circles for a little while, until we realized that the phone had brought us, not to an actual amusement park, but an ordinary sort of walking-around park in the downtown area. Nothing daunted, we found a parking spot and wandered off to explore.
While we were walking around, two separate creepy hobo (or hobo-like) guys wandered up and started talking to me, but they were easily dodged. We took pictures at several landmarks (including a monument to Truett Cathy <3), and then Saturday decided that we should explore the nearby campus. The streets around it were dark and kind of icky, and I (being much younger and more foolish one year ago) started to freak out. Finally, we went back to the car.
Saturday told the Droid to take us home. We started off, and made a turn...
And nearly smashed into another car, head-on (apply directly to the forehead!).
The Droid had tried to take us down a one-way street. The wrong way.

Not convinced yet?
Well, just a few months ago, Saturday, Tuesday (another sister) and I were riding on down the interstate. Saturday was pretty sure she knew the way, but she had her phone telling us what to do, just in case.
Suddenly, we hear the grating voice.
"Make - a U-turn."
All of us got a good laugh from that. Obviously, we weren't foolish enough to follow its advice.
Then, we hear it again.
"Make - a U-turn."
This was starting to get a little unnerving. A one-way road could have been a fluke, but how could it have been confused about whether or not one may simply make a U-turn on the interstate?
"Make - a U-turn."
 No doubt about it. It was trying to kill us.
I've been told that it only does that when I'm in the car, which leads me to suspect that, for some reason, Google (or simply that particular Droid) wants me dead.

That's why I'm going to get an iPhone. I couldn't care less about peer pressure... But I'm not about to let myself get assassinated by a hunk of circuitry and plastic!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Phobia time!

Some fears are easy to understand. For example, a fear of spiders is perfectly rational (they are ugly and creepy and will lay eggs in your mouth and there's a spider behind you RIGHT NOW). So's a fear of clowns (I've only read a plot summary of 'It', and I'm still scared of Pennywise), or a fear of heights (as long as by 'heights' you mean 'more than two feet off the ground').
There are other fears, however, that defy explanation. Fears that are completely, utterly irrational... And, what's more, absolutely ridiculous.
Here are some of my favorites:

Ephebophobia - fear of youths






Paraskavedekatriaphobia - fear of Friday the 13th




Pteronophobia - fear of getting tickled by feathers






Anablephobia - fear of looking up







Anthrophobia - fear of flowers





 Arithmophobia - fear of numbers





 Barophobia - fear of gravity




Dextrophobia - fear of objects on the right side of the body





 Euphobia - fear of hearing good news





Geniophobia - fear of chins





Pogonophobia – fear of beards





Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia – Fear of long words.


Monday, July 23, 2012

The Hop 'n' Chop: World's worst battle tactic.

Skip to 1:45 for an example of the Terrible Hop 'n' Chop. Watch the rest for an example of terrible sword-fighting.

The Terrible Hop 'n' Chop: a favorite move of the Seeker, and often seen in other movies or shows that care more about spectacle than effectiveness. It's far more likely to injure you than your enemy, especially if your enemy has more sense than to stare in awe at your fantabulous jumping skills. Allow me to demonstrate with the help of hastily-constructed stick figures:

The jump:
  Our hero scrambles up onto the nearest convenient log/staircase/tall rock. Then, with a mighty yell, he throws himself down upon his foe, sword raised on high for a single, terrible chop! With so much power behind it, surely this must be a brilliant move?
Unfortunately, no.
Even if your enemy is too slow-moving to get out of your way while you climb up on top of something and jump off, or too panicked to think of merely raising his sword a few feet, you'll come out of this jump with a lot of wasted energy and power. Sure, if you manage to hit him, you could probably chop him in half... But let me put it this way:

A simple chop on the noggin, without climbing up on things and throwing yourself around, would kill a man as easily as cleaving him in twain. It's a little harder for him to dodge, and you're not giving him nearly as many opportunities to kill you in the meantime. How many enemies are going to wait politely for you to climb up on top of the nearest thing, then position themselves within easy reach and wait for death to descend?
Would you?
I didn't think so.

Probable outcome: