Movie Survival 101

A Complete Guide to Surviving in Action Movies

Rule Number One: If you come across a long, narrow, flimsy-looking wooden bridge, do not stamp on it, jump on it, or bounce on it to prove how 'stable' it is. The best thing to do is to just run across it as fast as you possibly can... Either that or avoid long, narrow, flimsy-looking wooden bridges altogether.

Rule Number Two: Do not, under any circumstances say "Well, at least things can't get any worse," or any variation of that phrase.

Rule Number Three: Never drink anything given to you by your enemies. Ever.

Rule Number Four: The secret to sneaking into an enemy base is silence. If you come across gruesome dead bodies, bugs, or other nasty creepy-crawlies, do not scream. This goes double for girls, as their screams tend to be loud, shrill and piercing, sure to alert any nearby guards.

Rule Number Five: If you go into any sort of ancient temple, don't touch anything. Never lean against the walls, or step on suspicious tiles on the floor, or mess with anything because it looks interesting. Screaming is permissible, but only if you don't back away while you're doing it.

Rule Number Six: Shortcuts are a bad idea. You will get lost, fall into some sort of trap, get captured by savage enemies or possibly even die. Even if the shortcut looks harmless, never take a shortcut. EVER. If one of your buddies takes a shortcut, abandon him to his fate and take the longer, safer path.

Rule Number Seven: If there is a large stone wall, ball, or other item trying to crush you, push you off a ledge or trap you, do not try to stop it with your bare hands. You will not succeed, and you will dramatically reduce the amount of time you have to figure out a legitimate way out of the trap. This will likely lead to a cinematic, last-minute escape, but it is still not advisable.

Rule Number Eight: Always watch your back. And, if you've got that down pat, don't forget to watch your front, too. Your enemies will love sneaking up on you.

Rule Number Nine: If you are in the middle of stealing some sort of treasure (whether you're taking it from a museum or an ancient temple), do not pause to admire it. This is a bad idea, and will probably lead to your capture and/or death.

Rule Number Ten: It is never a good idea to leave your buddies behind while you go on ahead. Either they, you, or the whole group will be captured. It's best to stay together (unless, of course, they are violating Rule Number Six).

Rule Number Eleven: If you are in a dangerous situation (a cave-in/enemies rushing toward you/a trap about to grind you to bits/etc.), do not take time to kiss your Significant Other. It is unnecessary, and will take away time that you could be using to save yourself from said dangerous situation. Wait until you are safe, in a private room and clean before you try to eat each other's faces.

Rule Number Twelve: Screaming is a waste of breath. It is usually not a good idea, and it will make it harder to get away from whatever you're screaming about, as you will be short of breath and making a great deal of noise.


Bonus: A Complete Guide to Surviving in Horror Movies

Rule Number One: If you are told there is a curse on a certain place or thing, avoid it at all costs. If you are in a horror movie, it is probably true, and if you ignore common sense and go tra-la-laing off into the big spooky mansion, you and/or all your friends will die horrible deaths.

Rule Number Two: If you are under a curse that spreads itself by contact, keep yourself quarantined to keep your friends safe. Allow yourself no human contact, not even by calling people. It will probably make you go insane before you die a horrible death, but hey! At least you've saved your friends!

Rule Number Three: Talking to your friend/Significant Other/casual acquaintance will not cure them if they have been turned into a horrible monster. Your best bet is to run as fast as you possibly can and get out of there, or just shoot them in the head.

Rule Number Four: Never wander off alone. You will die a horrible death.

Rule Number Five: Never go into a haunted place. You will die a horrible death.

Rule Number Six: Never think you are safe. You are never safe in a horror movie. You will die a horrible death.

Rule Number Seven: If, indeed, you are in a horror movie, you will probably not survive unless you are remarkably lucky. Acclimate yourself to the idea of dying a horrible death or living with the scars of a traumatic experience for the rest of your life. And, if you survive, there will be a sequel. Horror movies always have sequels. You will get more traumatic experiences or you will die a horrible death.

Rule Number Eight: Do not, under any circumstances, become trapped in a horror movie. You will die a horrible death.