An acronym for you
Don't you see all
I do? I simply
Can't believe you don't
Know how
Hard I worked against
Entropy, against your
Apathy. But no, you just...
Don't.
~*~
That fucking flower
I should have seen it coming
Months and months ago
When Valentine's passed with no sign from you
It was a week later
You gave me a rose,
Said "I would have given this to you sooner,
But I knew if someone saw me
Carrying a flower
They'd want to know why and where and who."
Fool that I was,
I left it here
Thought it one more
Symptom of your
Bloated
Schedule
Thought I'd see you more
When you had the time.
So I waited
Summer came,
Still only saw you once
A week --
If that
But I left it there
You lived an hour away
I knew I couldn't see you
Every day
I fell into the pattern,
Miss you
Miss you
Miss you desperately,
See you briefly,
Return to equilibrium,
Equilibrium,
Miss you again.
But I left it there
I internalized it
Thought I was being
Unreasonable
Clingly
Weak
I held on all summer
Until
You moved in
20 minutes away
I was so excited
To finally be in your vicinity
And then:
Me: Are you busy?
You: Not really. Why?
Me: I'm nearby. Should I come over?
You: I just saw you yesterday.
I think I will cite that exchange
For years to come
As the final blow
That felled my faith in you.
I just saw you yesterday
I just saw you yesterday
yesterday
I saw you
once per week
I called you out on it
You told me that I asked
More time
By far
Than anyone you'd ever known
Funny
I didn't think I was
Your chore
A once-a-week obligation
And a whiny one at that.
I must apologize
For burdening you
With my free time and affection.
Forgive me
For loving
You
I guess you still don't want
To carry
That fucking flower
So don't worry; you don't have to anymore--
I can carry it myself,
Or give it to someone else,
Someone who understands:
"I saw you yesterday"
Is not something you ever,
Ever
Get to tell a girl that loves you.
~*~
The one time I wished you well (albeit angrily)
I want to talk to you
About Islamic law and Burke
About my wonderful new story
And my wonderful new work
But how could I remain
With such a narcissistic jerk?
Goodbye, Hunter
I hope you discover your fatal flaws
Before it's too late
Have fun finding someone as patient
And as understanding
As I have always been.
You, my friend, are FUCKED.
Because I'm pretty sure
I was the best you'll ever have.
Hope your career is still fulfilling
When you're fifty and alone.
~*~
An early-morning realization
It is 1:35am
Nearly a month
Since we ended
And I just realized:
You knew exactly
What you were doing.
Any goodwill I've felt
Since I left
Has been predicated
On the assumption
That you didn't realize
How much it hurt me
Not to talk to you for
Days at a time,
How keenly I felt
A week's absence
From your side
But as I lay in bed
Conjuring up undead memories
Of what few good times
We'd had,
Of the occasion or two
On which you were actually
There for me
And cared for me
I remembered:
The last night
Of our week in Florida
When you held me
And awkwardly
Patted my back
As I cried
I told you then
What I don't think I said
Before or since
About my horror
That seeing you would again
Be a once-a-week occasion
How I dreaded
That endless wait
For a single text back.
I told you how it hurt
On so many levels
To be held at such a distance
And you curled around me
And murmured vague niceties
But I was right.
Even after you saw
Me shaking, trailing tears
From my aching eyes,
Even after I told you
I couldn't bear the separation
You snapped back to the status quo
Of me missing you,
Texting you, the void,
Bending heaven and earth to see you
Just once a week
And you --
Putting me off
Shutting me down
Knowing good and well
That you were my hell.
So I take it all back
Every sympathetic thought
Every moment I've wasted
Worrying for you.
I take back my resignation,
My naive assumption
That you did the best you could.
Because even though you never hit me,
Neglect is still classified as abuse.
I leave no asterisk
On our breakup
No footnote protesting
That you tried.
I truly, deeply believe
You couldn't have done less
To care for my well-being.
And I couldn't be happier
To have your narcissistic
Egotistic
Type-A-for-Asshole attitude
Out of my life for good.
It used to bother me
Knowing you'll look back
And wish
You'd treated me better.
But now?
Realizing how deliberately you
Ignored my needs
For your own convenience?
I think regret
Is a just punishment for neglect.
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